We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
