My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
