Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The beer is more important than you right now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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