Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I puked a lego.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
