I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
