the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
