we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
