i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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