My Higher Power is John Stamos
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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