Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
