New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
