moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
