trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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