dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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