my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
