Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Ladies don't puke and tell
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
