If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
