and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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