Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
