so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
