I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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