All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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