Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
