She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
