my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
