4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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