you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
