yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
