We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
