Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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