Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
