The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
