so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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