I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
