Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
