There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
