i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
