I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
