The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
