You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
