when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
