did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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