Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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