I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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