Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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