i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
