We won't sleep together?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
