I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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