just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
