I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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