Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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