Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
